Building a Better Negotiation Mindset

As women in business, we often find ourselves facing a dual challenge that can hinder the pursuit of our goals: overcoming impostor syndrome while navigating male-dominated industries. This is especially true during negotiation, whether when asking for a raise or trying to land a new client. Our belief is that for female figures in the business world, success during negotiation involves not only traditional preparation but an added emphasis on counteracting the effects of impostor syndrome. In that spirit, we’ve outlined the tenets of a negotiating mindset that we’ve found to be effective when running our own businesses, geared toward women just like everything else we do at Empowered Women.

First and foremost, know your value. 

From an early age, we’re taught the value of humility. Walking the fine line between self-advocacy and overconfidence is a tightrope all of us balance upon throughout our lives, and it is all too easy to unintentionally fall on one side or the other. For women especially, we tend to land so often on the side of humility that we internalize it. Over time, this becomes impostor syndrome: a persistent inability to believe in the legitimacy of our own successes and achievements.

From a performance psychology point of view, it’s important to understand that impostor syndrome is a cognitive bias, or a systematic error in thought processes that shapes our perception of ourselves and reality. The problem begins with faulty thinking, and the only solution therefore is to change the way you think. Every influencer these days seems to harp on about the benefits of daily affirmations, but there’s some truth to the matter; positive self-talk essentially rewires your brain, overcoming the negative thought patterns worn into your psyche over the years. It’s a slow process, but it’s worth being vigilant when it comes to how you think about yourself. To paraphrase the old saying, it’s a straight line between your thoughts and your destiny–being kind to yourself could very well change your entire trajectory.

Change how you think about yourself by focusing on your achievements. 

We recommend finding a way to reflect on your daily triumphs, big and small, so that you can always have them front of mind whenever negative thought patterns begin to set in. Alongside this evidence-based affirmation of personal success, you should also strive to set realistic expectations; perfection is not realistic, so practice self-compassion by remembering that no one knows everything (no one is expecting you to, either) and everyone makes mistakes. Neither takes away from your accomplishments or your potential.

What does this entail in the context of negotiations? As the title of this section implies, you have to be able to articulate your own value to achieve your aims when negotiating. Minimizing your efforts–by discounting your achievements, attributing your success to luck, or avoiding future challenges out of a fear of failure–only serves to undermine yourself. Instead, ground negotiations in your achievements to better remind those on the other side of the table exactly how valuable you are.    

Don’t be afraid to take up space, mentally and physically.

Closely tied to the issue of impostor syndrome and its negative impact on self-worth is the anxiety many women experience during negotiations. There is often a desire to minimize the burden we impose upon others, which manifests as conflict aversion and an avoidance of difficult topics, like asking for a raise. In other words, we put other people’s comfort ahead of our own wellbeing. 

Let us be the first to tell you: there is nothing wrong with negotiating for what you want, and it’s absolutely within your rights to fight for what you need. Rather than shying away from challenging conversations and conflating being assertive with being rude, project confidence in yourself. Negotiations need not be a zero-sum game; your gain can and should be the gain of your superiors or clients, not their loss. 

One source that helped get this point across to us was the book Crucial Conversations. There are many resources in a similar vein that help women cognitively disentangle being assertive from any negative connotations we may hold while also providing insights into how to better approach all the difficult conversations in life. As long as you approach them in good faith, with good intent, leave aside any fears you may have about being perceived as rude or demanding.    

Be strategic.

Even with the psychological aspects of negotiation down, there still remains the brass tacks of the situation: what are your objectives? As with any goal, make your negotiation aims as concrete as possible. 

Much of this comes down to research. What are the interests, priorities, and objectives of the other side? What objections might they have, and what challenges might both sides have in common? Whenever possible, frame the issue around achieving a satisfactory result for both parties, using the research you’ve done to reach a solid agreement. Compromise may be necessary; and that’s okay; overcoming resistance will require some give and take.

Yet another book we’ve turned to in our desire to be better negotiators is Never Split the Difference. A majority of the insights gleaned from those pages center around a talent many women already possess in spades: leveraging emotional intelligence. The author describes this as tactical empathy, understanding how opposing parties think and feel in order to better reach a consensus that works for everyone. The key? Actively listen to those around you and you’ll automatically be considered more trustworthy.   

As always, build relationships and leverage your network.

Many times, however, you can’t–or shouldn’t–go it on your own. In those cases, turn to the contacts you’ve cultivated over time. If you’re just starting out in a particular business or industry, one of your primary goals should be to build relationships whenever possible; you never know when a contact might give you the insight or context you need.

Beyond leverage, your network should also serve as a support system. Encouragement and perspective are vital to success in any field, but especially so for women in male-dominated industries. Overcoming impostor syndrome and advocating for yourself with confidence are not skills which any one person can accomplish by themselves overnight. When you find yourself struggling, turn to others for guidance (it takes a village). 

Be persistent and stay resilient. 

A big part of needing to learn to advocate for yourself is that, oftentimes, achieving what you want will take more than one attempt. Every negotiation is a learning experience and an opportunity to improve a very useful set of skills; just because you don’t accomplish something in one meeting doesn’t mean you won’t in the next. Stay positive and don’t let discouragement throw you back into old, unhelpful thought patterns. 

We’ve covered this before, but it bears repeating: failure is the pathway to success, and all those who achieved monumental things in their lives have failed in massive ways prior to their success. Facing failure, and learning to learn from it, is the growth mindset necessary to invest in your own success–and it has the added benefit of taking some of the anxiety away from your next negotiation.